


OCD

by a_mind_at_work



Series: Anxiety Laf [10]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Gen, M/M, Multi, OCD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-14
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-17 12:14:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9323147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_mind_at_work/pseuds/a_mind_at_work
Summary: Come chill with me on Tumblr, where there's always more Hamilton to go around! ;))) @undiscoveredstory





	1. Chapter 1

He was going to be late. Again. He was going to be late. Again. He was going to be––

“LAF!” Alex shouted from the bottom of the stairs. “Are you coming? Herc is outside waiting.”

He wanted to shout at Alexander for messing up his count, but he couldn’t because Alex had no idea there even was a count. It wouldn’t be fair. That didn’t take away the urge, though.

_You didn’t make it to three. Start over._

Lafayette took a deep breath and brought the brush back to his head. He wasn’t even brushing his hair, really. It’d started that way, just detangling a few knots so he could tie it back in its usual ponytail, but it’d quickly spiraled out of control.

He was growing so frustrated. He knew he didn’t need to do this. Part of him knew that if he walked down the stairs at that moment, nothing terrible would happen. Everything and everyone would be okay. But another part of him told him that that was a lie. Another part of him told him he needed to stay and do as the voice said.

_The brush needs to touch your hair three times, uninterrupted, or Mama and Papa will be in a car accident on their way home from the grocery store._

Tears started to well up in his eyes. He was so frustrated. He was so tired.

But he couldn’t stop.

He ran the brush over his hair once, twice, th––

“Laf, what the heck?” Alex poked his head in Laf’s room, surprising him.

The brush fell from his hand and clattered to the floor. Laf stared at it for a moment, then looked up at Alexander.

“Laf?” Alex said, his voice softer. He slowly approached his adoptive brother. “What’s going on?”

“Go away, mon ami. I will be ready momentarily,” Laf said through gritted teeth. He had to do this. He couldn’t risk Alex stopping him.

“You’re nearly in tears, Laf,” Alex said, getting closer. “Please, talk to me?”

“Leave me alone, Alexander!” Lafayette snapped.

Alex looked shocked. Laf never yelled at anyone, let alone Alex.

“I mean… just let me finish this, okay?” Laf said in a calmer tone.

Alex nodded once before scrambling out of the room.

Laf sank to the floor. He hadn’t meant to yell at Alex. He really hadn’t. And now Alexander was probably confused and hurt and angry with him and it was all too much.

Laf grabbed the brush and started to get back up.

_Do that two more times or Alexander will hate you forever._

Lafayette sank back down and rose up two more times.

_Brush your hair nine times, just to be safe, and to keep Mama and Papa safe._

Lafayette obeyed the voice without putting up any fight at all. Three by three was the safest of all possible number combinations, and he certainly needed the security at the moment.

He finally completed the task and set the brush on his dresser.

_Make sure you shutdown your laptop._

Lafayette knew he did. He could remember doing so before getting dressed for the day. Or had that been yesterday? The days all blended together sometimes.

He checked. It was off.

_Check two more times or it might still be on and cause a house fire from overheating._

He knew it was off. He knew it was illogical. But he had to. He had to. He had to.

He’d just finished when there was a knocking on his door.

He looked up, expecting to see Alex, and was surprised to see a timid looking John Laurens standing there.

“Hey, Laf, um, can I talk to you for a second?”

“Of course, mon ami,” Laf said, motioning John over to his bed.

“I saw, from the doorway. I, um, saw you checking your laptop again and again, I mean,” John clarified. “And, well, I get it.”

“What?” Lafayette had not expected the conversation to go in this direction. Not at all.

“Yeah, well, I have OCD. Just ask Alex. He knows. He’s helped me a few times.”

“OCD?” Lafayette had never heard of it before.

“Yeah, want me to tell you about it?” John asked.

“Please, mon ami,” Lafayette whispered.

“You got it,” John said with a small smile.

Lafayette had a feeling that after John explained whatever OCD was to him, his world would never be the same. He could only hope that the change would be for the better.


	2. Chapter 2

Lafayette was exhausted.

He hadn’t even gotten out of bed yet, but he was already exhausted. It was a Saturday, the first Saturday of Christmas break, and the week leading up to it had been one of the most tiring yet.

Sure, there’d been a lot going on, but that wasn’t why he was so tired. He usually loved when he was busy because it distracted him from his anxious thoughts. But, as he was discovering, it did not distract from the thoughts he’d been having recently–– the OCD thoughts, as John had put it.

OCD.

Did that explain it? It’d been nearly two weeks since he and John had had that conversation and he had yet to tell anyone, including Alexander, what John had told him. Even though John and Alex were dating, he knew John wouldn’t break his confidence, but he also knew it wasn’t right to ask him to keep something from his boyfriend.

And it wasn’t like he was ashamed. Or he shouldn’t be, at least. Right?

Laf rolled over in bed and buried his face in a pillow. Sometimes he wished he could keep sleeping forever. When he was asleep he didn’t have any thoughts. When he was asleep, he could escape.

He knew he should get up, but as soon as he got up he’d be at the whim of his thoughts. His bed felt like a giant safety bubble. He was reluctant to leave it.

There was a knock on his door. “Laf?” It was Alexander, of course. “Laf?” he called again. “It’s past noon. You never stay in bed this late. Are you okay?”

Laf wanted to say define ‘okay,’ but he also didn’t want to say anything.

“I’m coming in if you don’t respond,” Alex said, his voice shaky.

Lafayette stayed silent, suspended in time, futilely hoping that Alex wouldn’t make good on his promise.

The door opened. Of course Alexander made good on his promise. When didn’t he?

“Hey, you okay?” Alex stood at Laf’s bedside. It made Laf feel like he was dying.

“Oui,” Laf deadpanned.

Alexander scoffed. “That sounds like some, uh, how you say, bullshit,” he said.

Lafayette sighed. “Are Mama and Papa home?”

“Uh, no,” Alex said, voice once again gentle. “They went grocery shopping.”

“Oh,” Laf said, turning away from Alex.

“Laf, please, what’s wrong?” Alex begged.

Lafayette hated hearing Alex’s voice get so fragile, but he couldn’t tell him. He couldn’t tell Herc. He couldn’t tell Mama or Papa. But he could tell John, or, rather, he could talk to John, since John already knew.

“Is John coming over?” Laf asked.

“Uh,” Alex stammered, clearly thrown off by the subject change. “Yeah, but I can tell him it’s not a good––”

“Can I see him?” Laf whispered.

“Um, yeah, of course,” Alex said. “He’ll be here in like a half hour. Is that good?”

“Oui,” Laf said with a sigh. He heard Alex make his way toward the door. “Alexander?” he called out, voice only a fraction stronger. “Thank you.”

“Anything for you.” Laf could hear the smile in Alex’s voice.

***

Lafayette must have drifted back to sleep because next thing he knew John was sitting next to him. As he blinked his eyes open, the worried look on John’s face became clearer.

“Hey,” John said softly. “How are you?”

“Tired,” Laf whispered. He hated how vulnerable he felt, how weak.

“I know,” John said with a sigh. “I used to feel like that, too. It’s a lot to handle, to do, to fight.”

“I don’t even fight,” Laf said, his voice breaking on the last word. “Too weak.”

“Laf, no, listen to me. You are not weak. You’re far from it. But you need help. Remember what we talked about last time?”

“No,” Lafayette said. “No,” he said, louder.

“Laf, you’ll feel so much––”

“I said non!” Laf cried out, the tears that had been brewing somewhere deep inside of him finally pushing their way out and into the world.

“Please,” John begged, sounding so similar to Alexander had less than an hour prior.

“Everyone would know,” Laf said. He looked up at John with wide eyes.

“No they wouldn’t,” John said, a look of confusion crossing his face. “Only your parents––”

“That’s what I mean!” Laf exclaimed.

“I don’t follow,” John admitted.

Lafayette forced himself to sit up. John nestled in across from him.

“I can’t have any problems,” Laf said very matter-of-factly.

“Why not?” John furrowed his brow at his friend.

“I just never do, and it’s too much to add to their busy lives.”

“Oh my god, Laf,” John said. “That is so untrue. Do you know how much they love you? How utterly sad they’d be if they found out you were just up here suffering when you could easily get help?”

“But…” Laf took a deep breath.

“That’s not all, is it?” John reached out his hands, and Laf took them. They were soft, a little cool, but not frigid. Laf’s hands were warm from being under the covers all day.

“I feel so weak,” Lafayette finally admitted. “For so long I’ve fought this, for so long I did it alone.” He looked up at John, tears in his eyes. “What changed?”

“Oh, Laf,” John said. He pulled on of his hands from Laf’s to reach out and catch some of the tears trailing down his friend’s face. “You’re tired. Nothing changed, you’re just exhausted.”

“I am,” Laf reluctantly agreed.

“You are not weak, Laf. Do you hear me?” He took Laf by the shoulders. “Look at me, Laf.”

Laf raised his head just enough so his eyes were on John’s.

“You are not weak.”

“Okay,” Laf said, sounding unconvinced.

“Say it,” John commanded. “I am not weak.”

“I am not weak.”

The words felt strange, wrong, in his mouth. But he said them. He said them for John. He said them because he knew there was no turning back. He would have to tell his parents. He would have to get help.

As much as he’d been scared, as much as he’d been fighting off the idea of needing help, something else coursed through him now. Something like…

“I am not weak,” he said again at John’s prompting.

Relief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come chill with me on Tumblr, where there's always more Hamilton to go around! ;))) @undiscoveredstory


End file.
